Grandpa, Why am I Bleeding?
by CarsmeCarlislexEsme
Summary: Renesmee, Emmett and Jasper all figure out what it means to be a real Woman!


One rainy day in Forks, Washington, Renesmee sat with her two uncles Emmett and Jasper, watching _Girls Gone Wild_. Today she was particularly moody and was hardly putting up with her uncles' antics. To avoid letting out her frustration on them, she decided to go upstairs and read. As she left the white couch and trotted upstairs, the two vampires smelled something very familiar to them: blood. They slowly turned their heads to the spot where Renesmee had been sitting and noticed the large red stain on the cushion. They froze.

"…_Renesmee's butt is BLEEDING…" _Emmett whisper-yelled to his brother.

"Should we tell her… ?" Jasper questioned.

"No. We'll figure it out ourselves, " said Emmett, punching the air with his fist in determination.

"Right," added Jasper, similarly poking the air in front of him with a gallant index finger.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Renesmee decided to make a pit-stop in the bathroom before she got comfortable and read her book. As she sat down to use the facilities, pulling down her Abercrombie and Fitch jeans, she thought she smelled something… off. Renesmee looked down, puzzled, into her white Victoria's Secret underwear, and saw that… everything. Was soaked. In blood.

"… WHAT IS THIS!" she yelled, hyperventilating, "What is _wrong with me?"_ She had to talk to someone. Mom? No, they were out on a hunting trip! Damn. Her aunts and grandmother had gone along with her. She was alone in a house of males… bloodsucking, vampire, males.

Shit.

Who could she talk to… okay, no. Who would be the _least embarrassing_, to talk to? Uncle Emmett? HAHAHAHAHAH fuck that. Uncle Jasper? He'd probably eat me. God knows he couldn't control himself when it came to blood… and in this location… yeah, no. And Dad? GOD. NO. He'd probably think I'm… _broken_. Or something. But NO.

Then there was grandpa. Well, he is a doctor, she thought. Hippocratic oath and all that… he could keep a secret. And he would probably be able to fix me! Yeah! I'll talk to Grandpa.

Renesmee made a last ditch effort to rid herself of the bloody clothes, wadding toilet paper onto her like a diaper and running upstairs to her room, waddling up the stairs like a half naked bleeding penguin. What the fuck was happening?

At this exact moment, Carlisle, exiting his bedroom en route to his office carrying a large stack of patient files and his briefcase, saw his (lovely) little granddaughter half squatting, half bounding in absolute terror up the stairs. Half naked. After dealing with several teenage children, and knowing that Renesmee would soon reach that age… he decided not to question just what exactly this was all about… he knew, just _knew_ he wouldn't want to know the answer.

Meanwhile! Downstairs, Emmett had turned on the nature channel and was currently witnessing Polar Bears doing interesting actions in the snow, such as mating. And giving birth. Jasper had his nose buried deep in a medical textbook the size of a phonebook. Thank God Edward wasn't around, he'd think they'd broken his only daughter.

Suddenly, with the force of a bullet, Jasper's head and index finger shot up from the book with an exclaim: "By George, I've got it!"

Emmett bolted up from the couch. "You've got what? And who's George?"

"I'm fine. It's what _she's _got! _She's_ got one of these things: she's either crapped herself, or has colon cancer."

"_CULLEN CANCER!"_

_**dum dum dum**_

Emmett's face flushed with horror. "By God, her own _family_… gave it to her!"

"NO, dumbass. Colon cancer. That part of your body that pushes shit. Something really fucked up with that part of your body. She's got that. Probably. I think."

The two of them sat back down, confused, the spark of solution now gone.

"Damn it. Not again. Back to work, Jasper."

"Right."

_Meanwhile, upstairs…_

Renesmee threw on a pull-up. She hadn't used one of these since she was little. Damn it. She then threw on a skirt and made a quick route to her grandpa's office. She found him simply sitting behind his large desk, hand thrown into his hair, scribbling in file after file. She suddenly felt bad asking her grandfather about something like this and removing him from serious work.

"…Grandpa?" she whispered.

"Yes, my dear?" he replied eagerly.

"I…I have a question…" she averted her eyes to avoid his.

"…Sweetheart, is this about the seeds again?" he sighed, "Because the subject of dusty eggs had me living in my office for two weeks –"

"No, no!... But, it's about… oh, I don't know," she groaned hopelessly.

Carlisle, now with concern in his voice, now putting on his "Doctor Face", said, "I don't understand, Renesmee. You're beginning to concern me…"

"Grandpa… I'm broken."

Carlisle raised his eyebrows. "Broken?" he mused, "Broken… in what way?"

"…You know… down there…"

"Excuse me?"

"Downstairs…"

"What did you Uncles break this time?"

"Damn it, Carlisle, _I HAVE BLOOD IN MY PANTS!"_

Carlisle grabbed his chest. "Blood… in-"

"IN MY _PANTS! GRANDPA WHY AM I BLEEDING!"_

Her grandfather clutched his shirt, just above where his silent heart rested. His other hand grasped the desk firmly, as if he were going to break it. A million thoughts swirled in his head and made him almost dizzy. His granddaughter was a woman. A fully functioning woman. With a _HEALTHY_ reproductive system.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOO!" _he screamed.

Her face fell, almost into tears. "I _AM _DYING!" she cried.

"NOOOOO! I mean, NO! You're not dying!" he reassured, recovering from his panic.

"But _GRRAANDPAAA,_" she bawled, "What's wrong with me?"

Carlisle sat his granddaughter down on the couch… somewhat cautiously.

"It's okay, Renesmee. This is something _every_ woman goes through. It's called… a menstrual cycle."

Her face was totally blank.

"In other words, sweetheart," he continued, "You're having your period. Your first, period."

Her face was no less confused. "But what does that _meeeean?"_

"It means," he said, "You'll be able to have a baby now. Not, um. That. You should. At all. But yes, from now on, dear, you will be able to conceive. With good judgment."

She looked at him again, confused.

"Renesmee, what this means is… you're a _woman._ You're growing up. It's just not easy for us." Small, immobile tears seemed to well in his golden eyes.

"Grandpa, is this ever going to happen again?"

He looked at her. "Yes, darling. It happens once a month. For seven days."

"_SEVEN DAYS?"_ she screamed, "How is a pull up going to last _SEVEN DAYS? _It has barely lasted seven minutes!"

"…You're wearing a pull-up?" Carlisle questioned.

Another, long, awkward. Silence.

"Darling, we're going to get you something proper… feminine products… to help you deal with this time of the month. I'll call your grandmother."

Renesmee sighed and hugged her grandfather.

"Thank you, Grandpa."

BOOM. The door to the office burst open like a cannon, with Jasper and Emmet rushing in like two prosecution attorneys.

"_HEMATOCHEZIA!"_

Carlisle's eyebrow rose. "What's that about rectal bleeding?"

"WE FOUND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER _BUTT!"_ proclaimed Emmett triumphantly. _"HEMATOCHEZIA!"_

Jasper smiled, and nodding said, "I figured it out. Yes."

Renesmee sat up proudly and said, "I'm having my period. It means I'm a woman."

Jasper and Emmett looked totally confused. "What does that mean?" said Emmett.

"Nothing's wrong with your butt?" added Jasper.

"Nope. It's my vagina. It's bleeding. But it's okay. It's normal."

Jasper froze, then…

"HOW. THE FUCK. IS THAT _NORMAL!_" boomed Emmett.

Carlisle then sat his boys down, and explained to them everything he had just relayed to Renesmee.

**Big thanks to Dana Doo and Yebba! :D**


End file.
